LOTR USA
by TheBuggiest
Summary: A story wherein Team Fortress 2's Soldier writes his own version of Lord of the Rings. The end result is... well, about what you'd expect from Soldier. T for violence, language, and Soldier in general.
1. Chapter 1

**_A Note from the Editor_**

_I ended up having to look this over because I lost a bet. And trust me, for a draft what took a month of scribbling between battles to get down on paper, it's a bloody mess. I did my best to sort out what Soldier meant, but between his shoddy handwriting and the misspellings I was hard put to make anything of it. A lot of mistakes didn't get fixed because he got impatient a few days in, and as it wasn't very good and watching a grown man throw a tantrum is downright embarrassing I just gave it back as it was. If he asks you if it was any good just say yes for all our sakes.  
_  
**CHAPTER ONE: BLABO HAS A PARTY**

Once upon a time there was a place called Middle Earth USA. It was full of weirdos like wizards and midgets, and also there were these monsters called orcs. No one liked orcs because they were commies.

There was this other place inside Middle Earth USA called Hobbotown, which was where hobbots lived. They were really short and ate a lot. They were also lazy cowards that sat at home gossiping like grandmas instead of fighting commies. Some of them were more brave though, like Blabo Bimbins.

Balbo decided to have a birthday party for himself one day because he was getting really old, and he invited one of his weirdo friends named Galdorf. Galdorf wasn't a halbit. He was a grumpy wizard who thought he knew everything and was so special because he could do things like make fireworks and heal people and probably fly with his stupid wizard powers. Blobo put up with him because his fireworks were pretty good and he saved his life or something a long time ago.

Blazbo also invited some of his hombit friends who weren't too busy knitting doilies and collecting tea cups. One was his nephew Frogdo, because Frogdor was a good listener and liked listening to his war stories. He also invited Marry and Pimplin because they were always being little panty wastes and needed someone to teach them to be real men. There was also Sam, but Bombo only invited him because Sam worked for him and could cook good ribs.

The party was really good. Brambo made Sam cook a lot of tomato soup and ribs and some apple pie for everyone to eat, and Gnadelf made some fireworks to watch while they waited. Marry and Pumkin were smoking in the bathroom even though everyone said they were too little. So when Bimbo finally got up to give his victory speech, the only one really listening was Fordo.

"All right men! Today is the start of a new day! I am an old guy and probably really wise, so you should listen to me! Also it is my birthday you maggots!"

Frodon listened while everyone else kept screwing around. Sam was taking too long on the ribs and they were going to get dry.

"YOU ARE HORRIBLE LISTENERS!" he shouted. "WHAT IF I GOT MURDERED RIGHT HERE AND NONE OF YOU EVEN NOTICED?"

And then he got murdered right there and none of them even noticed. Well Fargo noticed, but no one ever really could tell what he was saying, so it took a long time for him to get everyone else's attention.

"Dumb coughs," said Galdaf, and everyone gave him a weird look because what does that even mean. "Everyone should get inside so I can tell you why Bardo got murdered."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER TWO: GANDORF EXPLAINS SOME CRAP AND THE BEST CHARACTER SHOWS UP**

They went inside Blaldo's house to talk about why he got murdered. Sam thought his job wasn't important enough to keep up with and he should just go listen, so all the food got ruined. They made him do push-ups and go stand in a corner.

"Listen shwine-hooms," Grundolf said in an annoyingly bossy way once he was sure everybody was listening. "Brolbo was murdered because of THIS."

And he pried something shiny out of Bralbo's cold dead hands. It was a medal of honor, a real one, with a big #1 BEST carved on it. Everyone stared at the medal in awe because it was so manly and powerful. But even though it was so shiny, they could feel the evilness coming out of it like the smell of soup that's gone bad.

"This," Grundorf said, and he said it really dramatically and made the lights go dark with his magic because he liked to show off, "this medallion used to belong to a dark warlord."

Everyone gasped because dark warlords are a big deal.

"Which dark warlord?" Pimply squeaked. He hadn't hit puberty yet so he sounded really pathetic, but everyone held out in hopes that he would reach manhood someday.

"That's that mark of Smoron!" Sam yelped in surprise. Everybody looked at him, and he frowned. "Y'all heard of Smoron, right? He's like the hellish lovechild of Hitler and Stalin or something; I thought everybody knew about him."

"Get back in the corner and stop being a know-it-all!" Gamdalf snapped. "That is why you don't have any friends!"

"You know, perhaps you should give it to someone trustworthy so they can look after it," Married said as he blew a smoke ring. "How much is that worth anyways?"

"Psh, like he'll give it to you," Pomply sneered. "You're FRENCH!"

Mary twisted Poppin's arm so he squealed like a little girl.

"NINE!" And everyone gave Gumdarf a weird look again because shouting numbers while people are fighting is weird. He straightened his pointy wizard hat when he was sure all of them were paying attention. "We can't keep it here in Hobotown, doom-cops! Didn't you see what happened to Bilbi? Everyone will get murdered by Sorbon and his magical servants if we do that!"

"Then let's sell it and split the profit," Mery said. "If you give it to me, I'm sure I could find a buyer, hon hon hon."

Frombo shook his head and pointed to himself, mumbling something under his breath so it was really hard to tell what he was saying.

"What do you want now?" Gumdorf snapped. "You need to learn to speak up so people can understand you."

"He said y'all should give him the medal so he can go on a magical quest to get rid of it," Sam interrupted again. He wasn't doing a very good job of staying in the corner. "But I don't think he should go all by his lonesome; he won't last long out there by himself."

Fordro just kind of stared at Sam blankly.

"Well the only place where this can be destroyed is in Evil-land, where Sormon is the king of the warlords," Gandorf said solemnly. "But I can't go with you the whole way because I need to have a meeting with Sarah-man in his big gray tower of wizard meetings. We're the only two wizards left in all of Middle Earth U.S.A., so we need to figure out how to use our magic to protect freedom and justice or something. You'll need a leader who's a match for Smormon and can lead you men through battle!"

Pompin stood up and flexed his twiggy arms. "Yeah, no problem, I could lead us!" he squeaked.

"NO YOU CAN NOT, MAGGOT!" shouted an impressive voice, and the door burst open. A man in bloodied army fatigues stood framed there, the light from outside coming in around him so he looked even more impressive. He had a sword and knives and all the weapons they had in Middle Earth U.S.A. since they didn't have rocket launchers or guns.

Everyone fell silent and stood at attention.

"I AM ARAGORN, SON OF THAT ONE GUY WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER," he told them. "AND I AM GOING TO LEAD YOU SORRY SKIRT-WEARING NINNIES THROUGH THE GATES OF HELL AND BACK!"


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER THREE: SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS ON THE WAY TO RIVERTOWN**

When Aragorm came in everyone was shocked and amazed that a hero had just waltzed right up into the house where they were right when they needed him. It was like a dream come true. Except then Gundorf got involved.

"That is very good," he said in his weird accent. "But shouldn't we pack and get ready and stuff before we go to destroy the One Medal?"

"NEGATORY!" Aragon used good military language because that is the right way to do things when you are going to lead people. "THE BAD GUYS WILL GET HERE AT EXACTLY TWENTY HUNDRED HOURS! YOU PANSIES WILL HAVE TO TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE NOW AND MARCH!"

And then they all groaned.

"I don't want to go right now," Poopin complained in his squeaky voice. "How about I just wait a few hours then run and catch up with you on the way? Hell, I'll probably beat you there because I'm so awesome at running!"

"NO, WE ARE A UNIT AND WE WILL OPERATE TOGETHER LIKE A UNIT SHOULD!"

"But I left some science stuff and machines in my house," Sam whined. "Couldn't I just go get them and carry them with us?"

"NO YOU WILL NOT! THAT WILL SLOW US DOWN! BESIDES YOU WILL NEED TO CARRY ALL THE RATIONS AND SUPPLIES WE HAVE RIGHT HERE! THEY WILL BE MORE USEFUL THAN ANY FANCY-SHMANCY TOYS!"

"Mmmf hmmph huddah huh, mmm humph!" wailed Fardo.

"SPEAK UP IF YOU WANT ANYONE TO LISTEN TO YOU SON!"

"He said-" Sam started, but Armadon cut him off and shoved a sack of supplies and weapons into Sam's arms.

"THERE IS NO TIME! CARRY THESE RATIONS AND SURVIVAL GEAR SON, THAT'S AN ORDER!" he shouted.

So grumbling and complaining they followed their fearless leader from the hobet house and marched straight out of Hobbetown.

Gnadafl stopped once they got to the sign that said YOU ARE NOW LEAVING HOBOTOWN and looked at Argorn seriously.

"I have to leave now to talk with Sarah-mann about how to best fight Sawrmon, because we are both wizards and that is important business. All of the freedom and liberty of Middle Earth USA is in your hands now." He handed the medal to Fodro and made sure he put it in his pocket instead of wearing it.

"NORMALLY I WOULD SAY YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, BUT UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES SIR, YES SIR!" Argamon gave him a salute, and Gandorg kind of shook his head and walked off muttering in a language that sounded suspiciously un-American but it didn't matter. Armagedorn knew that deep in the crusty old wizard's heart he had faith that their little rag-tag band of heroes would be able to defeat the forces of evil and anti-freedom. All they needed was someone experienced in battle to beat the stupid out of them and whip them into shape.

"ALL RIGHT MEN, I HOPE YOU ALREADY USED THE BATHROOM BECAUSE WE'RE MARCHING TO RIVERTOWN WHERE THE AUSTRALIAN ELF EMBASSY IS, AND WE ARE NOT STOPPING UNTIL WE GET THERE!"

Marry rolled his eyes. "You must be joking."

"I AM NOT MAGGOT, NOW DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY!"

Mary decided to be insubordinate and just looked at him, tapping the ash off of his cigarette. "Could you at least inform us why we are going to the elvish embassy instead of straight to Evil-Land? If we are in such a hurry to get this medallion destroyed that we cannot stop for restroom breaks-"

"IT IS BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE AT THE AUSTRALIAN ELF EMBASSY THAT CAN PROVIDE US WITH BETTER WEAPONS, PRIVATE! WEAPONS THAT EVEN SMORGON WON'T BE EXPECTING!" He frowned menacingly at Mery and his stupid suit. "I WOULD MAKE YOU DO THOSE PUSH-UPS RIGHT NOW IF WE WEREN'T IN SO MUCH OF A HURRY, NOW GET MOVING!"

Then he took out his Disciplinary Action and hit them all so they would get moving.

Now even if they were being a bunch of wusses and complaining the whole way, those privates showed that they could cover ground with the best of them when they put their minds to it. They were almost halfway to Rivertown before anything bad happened.

"My shoes are ruined!" Mary glared at Argadorn like he should care about his stupid fancy shoes. "We didn't have to march through that disgusting pasture you simpleton!"

"OH YES WE DID," Agrodarn replied without letting up the pace.

"The road went around it though genius," Pimple agreed. "We coulda just kept going that way!"

"Hudda HUR!"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS FROGGO,"" Aragog commanded. "I TOLD YOU MEN THAT THERE WASN'T TIME! THE ENEMY COULD FLANK US AT ANY MINUTE!"

"Well, why haven't we seen any of 'em yet?" panted Sam. He was at the back of the group carrying the supplies still.

"BECAUSE THE TROOPS OF SARAN ARE EXPERTS AT SUBTERFUGE AND SURPRISE ATTACKS!" Arnolthorn was getting annoyed. "WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?"

And then the flying monkeys Sharmin sent after them from Evil Land swooped out of the trees in a surprise attack just like Armagurn said.

All the horborts panicked because they weren't expecting the surprise attack. Sam dropped all the rations when one of the monkeys yanked him in the air. Pumpkin curled up on the ground and cried for his mommy, and Marigold fell over because they punched him in the face. And the biggest, ugliest monkey and some of his biggest, ugliest friends closed in on Fardro. If someone didn't do something soon, the One Medal of Honor would be taken by the forces of communism, and freedom would be doomed.

But lucky for Middle Earth USA, they had an experienced war hero with them who'd fought Sarmon before. Argamom charged at the apes with a sword in each hand. His war cry was so terrifying that for a minute they froze with fear.

"HOO-HAH!" The silvery glitter of the swords slashed right through the giant monkey. Blood and guts were everywhere, and his head rolled around on the ground. The rest of the monkeys were so terrified about what had happened to their giant monkey leader that they tried to fly away to safety, but they couldn't escape the red white and blue fury of Amogarn and his swords. Hair flew and monkey death cries rang out in the air, and soon they were all dead like their stupid ugly leader. All but one.

The second ugliest monkey jeered and gibbered at Anogram as it grabbed Fragdo's arm. Abragon gasped. "NOOOOO!" he shouted as he charged, but it was too late. The monkey bit Fugro just before he was able to cut its head off.

"DAMMIT! THIS IS WHY I NEED A PROJECTILE WEAPON THAT ISN'T SOMETHING SISSY LIKE A BOW AND ARROW!" He knelt by Fatro and examined the bite. Fadro's breathing was muffled and heavy, and that was never a good sign.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Sam asked hastily. He, Marty, and Pampers had gathered around to watch their wounded friend. Margie had a black eye, and Sam's nose was bleeding. Pampers was still sniffling and looked like he'd got kicked in the ribs.

"THAT DEPENDS," Argonat said grimly. "I'VE SEEN MEN GET BITES LIKE THIS BEFORE, GOOD MEN I FOUGHT SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH! THE ONES THAT DIDN'T GET TREATMENT FAST ENOUGH LOST IT AND TURNED ON US LIKE ANIMALS!"

The hobbers just stared at him, the graveness of the situation enough to make even Porping shut up and listen.

Amogarn lifted injured Forgo over his shoulders so he could carry him. "THE ONLY CHANCE HE HAS IS IF WE RUN FOR IT, MEN!" he shouted. "LEAVE THE RATIONS SAM, THERE'S NO TIME! NOW MOVE OUT!"

Pipsqueak, Maggy, and Sam must have learned their lesson about complaining and that Arangorn was a great leader because they didn't whine about mud or snakes at all during their journey. And there were a LOT of mud holes and snake pits they had to trudge through, probably all the mud and snake pits in Middle Earth USA.

After running all day long, they came to the edge of a river full of really sharp rocks.

"WE ARE ALMOST THERE!" Agothorn turned to look at his troops. They had all fallen over on the ground. He scowled. "THIS IS NOT PICNIC TIME LADIES!"

"I'm freakin' TIRED," Poplin groaned. "I think my legs are about to fall off! And I've got a blister on my foot, and Margy smells like sweat and cigarettes and cologne and that's making me sick, and-"

"BUT YOU SAID YOU COULD RUN ALL THE WAY TO RIVER TOWN AND BEAT US THERE!"

Papin gave him a dirty look. "Not through all those snake pits though! I meant like running on the road!"

"At least you didn't get bitten by any of the snakes," Marvin snapped. His leg was swollen and oozing puss. It was really gross. "Farmo isn't the only one who will need medical attention in Rivertown."

Armygore scoffed. "IF YOU SORRY MAGGOTS HAD THE SENSE TO WEAR REAL MAN BOOTS, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THOSE PROBLEMS!" He motioned to his own feet. His boots were old and stained with the blood of a hundred battles, but they had stood the test of time like everything else he owned.

"Well perhaps we would have dressed for the occasion if we had been given time to prepare for a cross-country marathon," Mary said angrily.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT THERE WAS NO TIME?! AND STOP BELLYACHING YOU BUNCH OF SISSIES! I DON'T HEAR_SAM _COMPLAINING, SO YOU SHOULDN'T EITHER!"

"Gee, maybe he would be if he wasn't about to pass out from vomit-fever!" Poopsie would have kept talking but the warrior cut him off.

"WHEN DID SAM GET VOMIT-FEVER?" Adigurn asked as he looked at Sam. Sure enough, the hobbo was vomiting out all those burned ribs he'd eaten earlier and looked very sick. Arablast shook his head with a sigh.

"IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE NO CHOICE IF I WANT TO SAVE FOOGRO!" he announced. And without waiting for any of them to complain some more, he scooped all the halbots up in his arms and slung them over his shoulders. "I WILL JUST HAVE TO CARRY THE TEAM AGAIN!"

And with that, he carried them across the river of pointy rocks which didn't even hurt Amoblast's feet because of his magnificent boots. Marna and Popsicle complained about how they were being carried and Sam vomited all down his back and Football twitched and shuddered, but nothing could keep him from the goal at hand. Just a few more steps, and he arrived on the bank where Rivertown was located.

He looked around, frowning. "DAMMIT, I WAS TOLD THIS WAS WHERE THE AUSTRALIAN ELF EMBASSY WAS!" he shouted. "WHERE IS RIVERTOWN?"

Apparently Rivertown was hidden very close by, because a dozen pointy-eared kangaroo riding elf-men jumped out to surround him. Some of them had bows and arrows. Without dropping a single harbit Amagon pulled out his trusty sword, ready to die fighting.

"OY THERE, THAT'S A FRIEND OF MINE!" came a gravely roar. The other Australians parted so that their leader could approach the little group. Lesser men would have cowered at the Australian, with his perfect Australia-shaped chest hair and his disturbingly short shorts, but not Arkansas. He only saluted and sheathed the sword like a true soldier should. "LORD ELF-FACE!"

Lord Elf-face grinned at the warrior from under his bushy moustache. "ARAMATHORN, ALLOW ME TO WELCOME YOU TO RIVERTOWN... WITH MY BARE HANDS!"


End file.
